-Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?-
-Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?-
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
Pilot: Tower, there’s a runway light burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it’s smoking.
Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.
Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door that’s open for cooling.
Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.
Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ….. We’ve checked, they are all working.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!
Tower: What’s your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I m 6 foot tall and I m sitting front left.
Pilot: “Condor 471, don’t you have a Follow-me ?”
Tower: “Negativ, let’s just see how your find your own way to Gate 10.”
Tower: “Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.”
Pilot: “Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…”
Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.
Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.
Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.
Pilot: Tower, give me a rough time check.
Tower: It’s Thursday, Sir.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.
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